Healthy Boundaries 101

By Kristen Sohlman, HBA, RP

​What is a boundary?
A boundary is an invisible border or limit where one person ends and the other person begins.  Boundaries are defined by our own personal limits, values, beliefs, and life experiences.  Sometimes when someone makes you feel uncomfortable or hurts you they may have crossed your personal boundary.  Boundaries teach others how much they can talk with you, how much they can touch you, or how they can treat you.  

What a boundary is not!
It is important to realize that boundaries are not walls!  Boundaries are invisible, they do not close you in or keep others out.  By establishing a healthy boundary, you are actually letting people into your life by respecting your own limits, values and beliefs.  When you communicate with others you are teaching others how to treat you by letting them know what you are comfortable with, as well as to help them to become closer with you.  We cannot assume that others know what our limits and boundaries are and we cannot assume that we know what other people’s limits and boundaries are.  In order to understand boundaries, we must be willing to communicate with others and speak up for our own values and beliefs.

What kind of boundaries do you have?

Healthy Boundaries:

• You can say yes or no, and are alright when others say yes or no.
• You respect yourself and have a good sense of identity.
• You expect reciprocity in your relationships with others.
• You share responsibility and power.
• You understand when a problem is yours versus when is belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutual sharing and trusting relationship.
• You do not tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your wants, needs, and feelings and communicate them clearly within your relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential. 
• You are responsible for your own happiness.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits and do not let others define your limits.
• You can ask for help when you need it.
• You do not compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.