Kids Aren’t Supposed to Die

19/5/2017

By Linda Kelly, MSW, RSW

You give up a lot of control when you become a parent.

Everything becomes a potential danger, from the edge of a coffee table to an unattended bath tub, to other kids who influence your child to think differently.

It's funny how you develop tunnel vision for them. How you can zero in on them in a room full of people, and not really see the other people anymore. Just them.

I haven't been a mom that long in the big picture, but I think that tunnel vision for them never really changes.

I imagine finding his smiling face among a sea of other graduates someday. Effortlessly hearing that sometimes-shy, sometimes obnoxious, sometimes know-it-all voice that seems to get deeper and wiser every time I see him.

And I imagine what it would feel like to desperately wonder for days at a time whether or not he's okay. No news, no word, no last-minute text to give me justification to be mad at him for being careless instead of terrified that I'll never see him smile again.

Today in Thunder Bay, a family had to say goodbye to their son in one of the worst ways imaginable.

Ask someone, anyone, to listen. It helps.

The thought is... devastating.

There are no real words to describe the raw, horrendous feelings that emerge when faced with the prospect of being so helpless. The guilt, the endless questions, as if any explanation would ever suffice.

I would have to blame myself just so I could feel some semblance of control, so that maybe I could stop something like this from happening in the future, instead of accepting that in a moment the world could change and I would be helpless to stop it.

Kids aren't supposed to die.

Teens, whose feelings are so amplified because everything is still new haven’t had the life experience to know that the difficult times will pass, that feelings come and go.

That everyone feels alone sometimes, and sometimes they are, but it’s temporary.

Please, if you need to talk, then talk to us. Talk to anyone who will listen. Better yet, just ask someone, anyone, to listen. It helps.

Crisis Lines
Thunder Bay Crisis Services -- 807 346 8282
Beendigan -- 807 346 4357
Children's Aid Society Crisis Line -- 807 343 6100
Elizabeth Fry Crisis Line -- 807 622 5407
Faye Peterson Crisis Line -- 807 345 0450
Kids Help Phone -- 1 800 668 6868

Try any of the above numbers. There are people who want to help, and they are available right now!

Our services are not covered by OHIP, but if you have a status number, we can access funding for private sessions. We might even be able to see you on the same day that you call.

You don’t need to go through a doctor. There’s no lengthy process, just call us. Email us. Facebook us. If not us, call Thunder Bay Crisis Response. Call 211 to find out where the closest available service is. Even call us and we’ll help you get in somewhere.

Do not drop anchor here. Get help. You are loved.

2 Comments

M.K. Forbes

3/7/2017 02:37:02 pm

Things have not changed for women..not really. As long as everything is going well for you, things "are," fine. However, if you're old, (70+), alone, (children live away but are in touch) in this city, poor, have done all the right thngs,...worked hard for years, was responsible, caring for others, loyal, determined, fair, excellent work ethic, bent over backwards to help others if I was needed, and still, here I am alone, poor and cannot even get some help for your services. I'm not angry, I'm a realist. That's just how it is for women..no..mothers who survived the betrayals and lies, the divorce, the dentist, the teacher meetings, the discipline resulting in kids resenting me and favouring the one who left them..the taxi service, the love, the love, the love that I gave them..with all my heart, the lies they told me, the worry-filled nights, the gut wrenching fear when they didn't come home until very very late... Then the pride in how they turned out to be the most wonderful and loving kids(adults)a mother could ever ask for! It was so so difficult to do it all alone. Now, they spend their holidays at "his" camp with "his" new-er wife, with all the toys, the pontoon boat, the speed boats, the snowmobiles, the quad runners, the fun fun place to be every summer. Then they come to my little apartment and sit uncomfortably in my little living room all tanned and looking great. I don't begrudge them that, when its my turn they love me and treat me well and I love them back. Its just that I'm damned angry that the one who left can provide them with all the fun as he has a very generous pension due to the job he had that my father arranged for him many years ago. It seems so unfair that I am so damned poor and cannot work anymore..I'm old and I'm disabled now for almost 20 years. I have a twisted back from adult onset degenerative scoliosis, a body that swells and I'm so heavy from it (lymphedema tarda), nerve damange (neuropathy) in both legs and feet from the groin down. Ever heard of neuropathy in the perineal area? Its a mean thing with which to live. Mean and cruel. Many other things like GERD and dropped metatarsals in both feet ...every extra cent I have goes to compression stockings, orthotics, orthotic shoes, new clothes because the bent and twisted body doesn't fit the clothes I have already. Now I'm really overweight (was 125lbs all my life) then lymphedema changed my body and in just a couple of months, back then, I went to 185lbs and that's where I have stayed). So you see, I have my challenges, I am lonely..my good friends died already..my sorority helps but none of us are "close." I have no money to do anything I'd like to do for enjoyment, relaxation and learning, and no one to do it with even if I "did" have the money. I've tried joining things but as i am disabled, somewhat, its difficult for me to keep up and also, my pain is unpredictable and sometimes I need to cancel a plan I had made with someone . I just scattered the ashes of my dearest buddy this morning..I have been missing her so much. Her ashes floated away ..just like her troubles and nasty bad heart problems. As you can see..I really do need to partake of your services..but I do not have a "card," nor do I have the cash. What did I do wrong? Not much. I was born a woman, I raised my chilren alone, I worked really hard for 37 years..and did a damned good job of it all. My life is just wasting away...Each day is like a blank page I turn in this very large book filled with nothing. Page after page, day after day, with pain, still with a burning desire to get out and live life, but how can I live this life and all it has to offer when I'm bent over looking at the ground, in pain, and alone?..oh yes, and poor.
So I needed to speak with someone about how to get some peace. I'm bitter about their father and all he did to me; not so much the adultery, but the mean-ness and the betrayals, the lies, the tricks, I was made a fool, belittled, lied to and "about." He was an deliberate obstacle for me when I was raising the kids..he did whatever he could to make my life more difficult. The mean streak in him hurt me so very much when I had to hold it all together for the kids and myself. I was so young when I married him, I was naive and innocent and had no defence against him. He broke me and I'm still broken. I want to heal before I die. I want to have true peace. I've never been able to tell my story, my life story to someone who would truly be intersted enough to spend some time to listen. That is all I want. I need a roadmap ..a compass..and an authentic person to coach me out of this sense of being "bullied," into a mind space of "letting it go,' and healing...finally. Whoever said you don't need money to be happy? Someone who had money...
Well, I guess this has been as therapeutic as I'm "gonna" get. Thanks for the chance to write about it a little with the knowledge that "someone" will read it...but of course,

Linda Kelly - Kelly Mental Health

7/7/2017 10:42:13 am

I want to sincerely thank you for the depth of your comment. Your writing is expressive and beautiful, and it conveys a lot of the heartache you have been dealing with.

There are no easy answers. Writing about it does often create a sense of catharsis. It creates the sense of stepping back from the emotions so that they no longer dictate how you see the world.

This blog isn't meant to provide support in the absence of a therapeutic relationship, and I have to remind all users that it is public and we can't always respond right away, so please beware of what information is being posted in a public forum.

In terms of services, I'd urge you to give us a call so that we might help connect you to someone who can help.

There are public waiting lists for mental health services in Thunder Bay, walk-in counselling sessions, and even other forms of support through places like CMHA. Otherwise, certain practitioners offer pro-bono consultation sessions. You'd need to have a family doctor to refer you for the public mental health programs through St. Joseph's Health Centre, and there is a website where you can sign up for one if you don't have one already.

All the best.

Linda